Terrified of Moving Forward: The Top Four Things Going On In My Life Right Now

Hello! welcome back to those of you who have read my works before, and welcome to those of you who have not. I started this blog a little over a year ago with the promise of posting way more than I did. I was an ambitious new writer with too many ideas and not enough time or energy to write them all out. But this isn't a pity post about not living up to my expectations for myself. This is an article about all of the ways I am excited and terrified to move forward in my life day to day. Because a lot has happened, and a lot continues to happen.

1. I Wrote and Published My First Novel

Ok, let's start with the biggest thing to happen over the past year. A little time after my last article of 2021 was published, I had the bright idea to write a book. It was something I had been joking about doing my entire time as a child in elementary school growing up. I remember one day in fifth grade, I was sitting under my desk with two of my best friends at the time, and I pulled out my notebook for the class and wrote down a bunch of character personas for each of us. I told my friends I was going to write a book about us and that it was going to be a blast. I wrote down a few character designs and then it was lunch time or time to move onto math or something. So, as we can all imagine, that book was never written. Never had the chance to exist. But then, last year, I got an email from a school staff member about an arts program that offered a competition for different types of artists to submit their works and a chance to win money and scholarships. Some of you may know of the Young Arts Program/Competition that happens once a year.

There were selections for dance, visual arts, music, and writing. In the writing category, there were options for poetry, prose fiction, short stories, and a novel, from what I remember. I thought it would be fun to try writing a novel since I had been working more and more on my writing, and thought it would be a fun way to challenge my artistic abilities when it came to my work. I spent the next six-ish months working and writing and perfecting my project and I had the time of my life working on it. I ended up turning in the first draft of my first twenty pages which, looking back, was a god awful idea on my part. So it was understandable when I didn't win, or even get an honorable mention. I was just some punk kid who turned in their first draft and about five thousand words of self doubt.

But I worked on the book some more, and I really honed in on making it one of my top priorities. I wanted to be able to show something that I was proud of. I wanted to publish work that I thought was good, at the very least. I spent school time designing book covers and promoting my project through my friends and other classmates. I told several staff members about it in hopes of drawing more attention to it through adults as well. But the biggest break, wasn't with my friends or with my school. It was with a local shop just down the street from my school.

The shop DRYCLEANERS™ had opened up in my area in November of 2021. One of my closest friends had told me about it, and offered that we go on our lunch break since it was within walking distance of our building. I said sure, and we stoped by, bought a couple of things, and went back to our classes. This started our tradition of going nearly every day or at least once a week on our lunch breaks during school. We had gotten more familiar with the owners of the shop, and at some point, I was offered a position to sell my book through the store. I was beyond excited that I had gotten that offer, because before I was given this opportunity, I had been planning on only selling as an eBook which I knew would get far less traction.

The owner who I spoke with and I kept in close contact while I finalized my book and went through the printing process of an author's copy, all the way up to the point where I put in a bulk order of copies to be sold in store. I self published my book "What The Cameras Don't Catch" in May of 2022, and I have been selling copies through DRYCLEANERS™ for the past few months since. Honestly, it has been the best experience of my life. If you haven't tried working with a queer and POC owned business, you should. The environment is incredible, the people who I have worked with are great, and we have built a really nice little community for ourselves.

Now I am writing my second book and having fun starting this new project. Writing and publishing my debut novel has changed the way I see my writing. I no longer feel afraid to challenge my writing abilities. And while I will always feel afraid of putting my work out into the world to be judged, nothing beats the rush of adrenaline when somebody new buys my book or reads my articles. Nothing feels better than somebody seeing my work on a shelf or on their socials and thinking to themselves, "This looks good, I want to check it out."

2. I'm A Senior Now

Onto the second most terrifying thing about my life at the moment: Being a senior in high school. I know that right off the bat this sounds too melodramatic to be mentioned in one of my articles. But honestly, I wrote a whole essay on why we should like Draco Malfoy (looking back maybe that wasn't the best argument I could have made...), so I don't think this is too out of my element. I am terrified of graduating. I have been at the same school since kindergarten and it has severely screwed me over in the long run. I have spent twelve years here and am about to spend a thirteenth coming up in august, so I think I have a right to kind of resent that.

Don't get me wrong, I am very excited to move out and not worry about this school ever again, and all of that fun adulting stuff. I just think that being here for so long is going to make the goodbyes so much worse. I am so anxious to say goodbye to all of these people whom I have known all my life. I am so scared to say goodbye to my teachers who have helped shape who I am and how I interact with the world. I am so genuinely irked to my core that I will, more than likely, never see this place again.

There is this heavy gloom hanging over me, knowing that this is the last year of it all. Next year, I will be writing college essays, and throwing out all of my high school drama, and showing up to a new job, and trying to convince myself that things are ok. Trying to get myself to cope with the fact that no matter how beat up I am about school ending, the world continues to move. Time passes on, and the planet spins, and nothing slows down for you. This is very delonious at this point. Let's talk about why this is a good thing!

I am excited to graduate because it means that I will be done with being a high schooler, and I will be able to move forward with my life. The trope abut high school feeling like the only thing to life is very true, and while I have been in school, it has had a tendency to take up all of my time and energy to the point that I just don't care to do anything else. Luckily in this past year I was able to break the monotony a bit with working on my writing career a bit more, but overall, school sucks the life out of me. And I am very excited to be able to leave that part of my life behind and replace it with things that I love, and work on my writing more and more.

3. My Last Year As A Minor

Similar to the last topic on the list, I am very scared that I am rapidly coming into being an adult. This is my last year being a child, and while being 18 doesn't necessarily mean that I am a full adult, things start to change. I will be expected to act like an adult, I will be given more responsibility, I will be expected to be employed. The pressure feels very intense, honestly. Also similar to the last topic, I know that this is just some teen melodrama and angst about getting older. But aging is scary, alright? Wether you are a child, or a teen, or an adult, aging is scary.

There's good that comes out of it too though! I am excited to have my independence and excited to feel like my own person. Being a teen sucks because you don't feel like you're a kid, but everyone around you insists that you are. So I think it will feel very good to be taken seriously and be able to coexist with other adults in a way that doesn't feel like sitting at the children's table on Thanksgiving.

4. Life Is Beginning

As scared as I am about topics two and three, I cannot ignore that life is really starting up for me. I will graduate, and publish more of my works, and I will keep on living. I will be able to live and be undeniably myself around the people who I choose to be around, in environments that I choose to live in. Things will get harder in the beginning as I find my bearings, but they will sort themselves out, and things will get easier in the end. Days will pass by when I don't even think about these old problems anymore, and time will start to pass without my noticing of every second. I will not live my life on a ticking clock, but instead on a whirlwind with my friends and life will go on. Life will always go on.

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As always, thank you guys for reading. I can't wait to give you more content, and I'm glad to be back. If you are interested in the book that I mentioned at the beginning of this article, you can check out my instagram linked in the website to find my link tree with everywhere the eBook copy is available as well as how you can get your hands on a hardcopy.

See you next time, Readers.

Singed,

Lina McGovern.