We Are Not Your Clones: 3 Things Parents Need To stop Forcing Onto Children

I’d like to start this listicle with a disclaimer. I am not claiming that there is only one parenting method that works, nor am I claiming to know the best way to parent. I am simply writing about what I think works based off of experience of my own childhood as well as the

common experience of my peers. Now, onto the listicle!

---

1. Religion

Starting off strong today with the first of the list being religion. Obviously there is a lot of complicated depth to religion no matter what you believe in, however, I do think there is a surface level that must be talked about more. The idea of believing in higher power(s) is interesting, though that isn’t the key concept of my discussion for today. I’d like to focus more on every day things such as praying, going to church, etc.

I am never going to sit here and tell you that your religion is wrong, however, I will most definitely sit here and tell you that not everyone has to agree with your religion. Even if that somebody is your child. I was not raised religiously, in fact, the only time religion comes up in my family is with my mom’s side. Since I was not raised religiously, I have had a lot of freedom to do research on different religions and figure out what I believe in. In these years, I have switched between light Christianity, to Paganism, and have now settled upon Atheism. But during this search for my own religious identity, I began to understand that not everybody has the ability to explore the same ways I did. The biggest reason for this was the fact that religious families have a habit of roping their children into their religious practices with a noose like grip. Some people are raised thinking they have to believe the same things as their parents, rather than simply believing in them too. I have a loved one who grew up going to church all of the time with their family and grew to hate it. Hating not only the beliefs themselves, but also the church as a whole. There was a lot of judgment put on this person as well as the two-faced nature of most of the church-going parents. This person hated going, nonetheless, their family continued going, so there was a feeling of necessity when it came to them going as well. This is an example of how children don’t feel free to express themselves in their homes. The idea that you can’t express yourself in your home is a big contributor to the feeling of being trapped, distant, alone, etc. in your family. Just because you believe one thing, that does not mean that your child has to believe that same thing word for word, or even at all.

---

2. Heteronormativity

Next up on the list is the concept of heteronormativity. For those of you who don’t know, heteronormativity is the idea that being heterosexual is the only thing that works or should be seen as normal. Examples of this could be the way that in 2019, only 13% of adults in the US think there should be more rep in the media for LGBTQIA+ people, or how there was only one transgender character represented in the highest grossing movies between 2014-2019.

Every day, heteronormativity does its job to silence the voices of the LGBTQIA+ community. The biggest problem of this, is the fact that parents use this tactic on their children (sometimes without even realizing it) almost more than big corporations do. What I mean by this is not outright telling your child they have to be straight, but more along the lines of gendering things that don’t need to be gendered. Examples could be: asking your daughter “are there any boys that you like?” Rather than the more inclusive alternative of “are there any people you like?” This way, you don’t make your child feel as though they need to be attracted to a specific side of the gender spectrum. Another example is: buying gender specific toys or clothing/accessories. My brother often wore some of my bracelets when we were younger and my dad would always make homophobic/transphobic remarks towards him to further perpetuate the idea that heteronormativity is ok. Once again I’m going to say, just because you are straight, that doesn’t mean everybody else has to be cisgender and straight as well. Even if you have a cisgender and heterosexual daughter, she doesn’t have to present that way. The same thing goes for a cis-het son; he doesn’t have to present as the typical male either. You are allowed to choose how to look and act for yourself, not for others.

---

3. Your Thought Process

The last thing I want to talk about today is forcing your thought process onto your children. By which I do not mean you can’t tell your children what you think about certain things. That is perfectly fine because we each think in our own way, however, it’s precisely for that reason that you have to listen to what your child thinks of a situation as well. My personal example of this, is the fact that I have different political views than my parents and other family. Having different views in and of itself is fine, however, the problem starts when my family does not let me speak for myself on my opinions. Any time that I try to speak on an issue, my family has had a habit of completely invalidating my opinion solely because they disagree and don’t think of the problem the same way. Another example of this could be the way some families subconsciously force the “asking for it” idea onto their daughters. What I mean by this is that some families go by rules of wearing certain things and avoiding other things because you could look as though you are “asking for” sexual harassment/assault. While this is a well intended idea to protect your children, if your child disagrees with that statement, you need to respect it. After all, it is her body, and her choice on what to do with it. Or —on a lighter note— the way that some parents enjoy watching sports, and their kids don’t. Or how some moms don’t like dresses and their children do. There are countless things that parents and children can agree and disagree on, and we all need to respect the other’s ideals. As long as it doesn’t cause any harm to anybody, what is the problem with disagreeing on some things?

---

To finish this off I would like to restate my disclaimer at the beginning of this work: I do not claim to know the best way to parent nor do I think that there is only one way to parent. However, there are certain things that I know don’t work, and some of those things are written here today. When you become a parent, the goal is to love your child unconditionally and support them while you raise them to be good, valued people. However, forcing your own values upon them, will not help them in the long run. It will just teach them to prioritize others over themselves. So the next time your child wants to tell you something, or do something with you, make sure you are listening, hearing, engaging, and respecting them as people. We are our own human beings and as such, we will be our own people as well. If you are a child who goes through some of these problems, I am sorry, and it does get better over time I promise. Just remember to be you, in any way you can. I love you guys, thank you for reading